This time I take a step back

Caution: Too cliche. Too whiny. You might just want to skip this. 

I will religiously follow your advice this time. Watch me. 

And for that, I need to take a step back.

I need to find myself. I need to control myself. I need to be optimistic.

My stomach churns with hate hearing those phrases all over again, because I already acknowledge the problem and working on it to solve it. And, of course, I know the feeling of frustration on how people don't follow instantly on my advice. I've been there, those exact phrases were the advice I give out to people whom I think needs it. 

As the need to take these phrases for my own dose, I need a step back. I realize it is not fucking easy. It is not fucking easy as going out from your house, looking up and smile at the blue sky and flying birds said say, "Oh yes, I feel good now", or as easy as thinking of the other people's misery and problems which are far more worst than your own current problems (which it really super easy because I work in the Emergency Room, you know what I mean), or taking a pain reliever pill and the will fade away after five minutes. 

It takes a process to rewire your brain from being so negative, lazy,and uncontrollable.

And sometimes, it takes more than yourself alone to ease the storm of emotions inside you. It's not like as saying goes "Misery loves company", but it is more of seeking other people's help to quickly recover from the pit of problems you have, it is more about seeking a listening ear to hear your heart out without being judged. Just a listening ear, no more than that. 

But, of course, you cannot have that luxury all the time.

And I perfect understand it now. Crystal clear.

People have lives and problems to take care too. Sometimes, it would be too much of you to ask that big role to other people. You do not demand it from other people, unless it would be voluntarily given to you. 

As a part of this thing called adulting, you need to toughen up and grow up like the person you need to be to survive. As difficult as it is, yes, do not expect other people to do the works for you. You need to do it on your own, and sometimes you need space from the people you depend on. It is hard, yes, but you must not always burden others of your emotional luggage. 

 You need to take a step back,  I think I need to step back this time. It's difficult and it hurts, but I think I need to do it alone this time.

but sometimes I need help, but maybe not now, I think. 

Disconnected-ness

I am breaking my hiatus on writing a blog post.

I felt the need to write my thoughts at 4:17 am, while stuck on my Emergency Room duty. I am currently working as a medical social welfare officer in a government hospital. Since my first day of duty, it has always been the worse-case-scenario-kind-of-day. We are basically the troubleshooter in the hospital, aside from the primary troubleshooters -- the medical technical personnel. We solve problems ranging from giving financial assistance to the burial of abandoned patients (I can go all day listing all our duties and responsibilities but I won't go there). I actually salute my co-workers who have rendered 20 years in service in this kind of work. 

And at this point of my life, with the work chaos and all, I feel that I'm so far away from the person I wanted to be. I feel so disconnected. I feel lost (cliche but it's the truth). 

Disconnected from learning.

Disconnected from work.

Disconnected from family.

Disconnected from my goals.

Disconnected my hobbies.

Disconnected from my old self. 

Disconnected from my passion.

I may be just feeling stuck because I haven't traveled for 3 months now (Yes, that's too much idle months for me). Plus, I am currently pressured to keep up with my graduate studies (paper works overload!). I need to pay bills and assist family's financial obligations. I need to meet up the work expected outcomes, and do night shifts. So yeah, so much adulting is happening right now and it is draining my soul out. I came with a conclusion that I am not fit to deal with that adulting shit (excuse my language). 

And yes, I notice I'm such a drama queen and a whining child but I know someone out there get my drift and struggles to keep their heads up from the water.  

My ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

I am from the Philippines and it is somehow heavy for our pockets to donate in US dollars because of the currency exchange ($1 = Php 43.85 as of today), and I hope with my little ways to contribute, I participated in this challenge to show my support for the advocacy to raise awareness about Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) disease.

And to start the trend within my friends, I am challenging Septrin John "Badz" Calamba, Aislinn Ann Barretto Murphy, Karen Shiela Tiguelo Flores, Mika Edsel Nacua Nunez, ALL my students in Social Science 1 (Society & Culture) currently enrolled in 1st semester in St. Mary's College of Tagum, and ALL my students in Social Science 6 (Rizal Class) currently enrolled in 1st semester in St. Mary's College of Tagum. I tried to donate a little for ALSA Foundation in behalf of my classes and friends. 

#ALSIceBucketChallenge #StrikeOutALS

Pagbabalik-tanaw sa Buhay-Estudyante (with a smile)

Masyadong naging toxic ang buhay-estudyante ko sa nagdaan na dalawang dekada. If I'll assess my self, naging mabuting estudyante naman ako (siguro). 

Elementary years: 

Sa Notre Dame University-Elementary Training Department, Cotabato City ako nag-grade one at grade two. At sa Arriesgado College Foundation sa Tagum City naman ako nagpatuloy hanggang grade 6. Ang natatandaan kong misyon ko sa buhay sa panahong iyon ay ang makalabas sa Religion class ko at sumilip sa Arabic class, dapat maunang lumabas kapag recess para iwas-siksikan sa canteen, maka-akyat sa puno ng di nahahalata ng yaya ko kapag lunch break, makaganti sa maldita kong katabi na palagi akong pinagbibintangang nangongopya (alam ko pa rin ang pangalan niya), maagang makauwi para manood ng ghost fighter, flame of reca, slamdunk, at fushigi yugi, titpirin ang baon para makabili ng teks, at tapusin at lahat ng assignment bago dumating ang titser.

Highschool years:

Naging mahirap sa aking ang mag-adjust sa bagong eskwelahan. Galing akong private school na kokonti lang ang estudyante kaya ang pag-aaral sa Tagum City National High School ang unang culture shock na naexperience ko. Siyempre, may mga pagbabago sa mga misyon ko sa araw-araw katulad ng panatilihing malinis ang uniform ko kasi hindi ako dapat magmukhang gusgusin tuald ng sa elementary, maghanap ng mga totoong kaibigan (naging mahirap yun, sa totoo lang), awayin ang sarili para hindi na maging mahiyain sa klase, piliting maganda ang grades para hindi lumagpak sa ibang section, tipirin ang baon para makabili ng poster ng F4 at makapag-friendster, at tulad ng ibang teenagers naging misyon ko rin sa buhay ang ma-experience ang magkaboypren pero ewan ko sa sarili ko at ito lang ata ang hindi naging matagumpay na misyo ko noong highschool. 

College years:

Klase-klaseng konsekwensya ang nagdala sa akin sa Mindanao State University-Iligan Institute of Technology. I don't know even a single soul sa Iligan City nang dumating ako noong May 28, 2007. Kinailangan kong mag-mature to survive, thus my mission in life changed. Mga misyon ko sa buhay noong college; naging una sa lahat ng priorities ko noon kung paano ipapasa ang Math 1, Math 31, at Social Statistics, ipasa ang pinagpuyatan kong i-memorya ang mga scientific names ng mga halamang di ko kilala para sa Biology at NatSci class, pilitin ang utak kong magsulat ng term paper para sa english subjects ko, huwag bumagsak sa Economics class, hindi iiyak kung ako lang mag-isa, magtipid ng bongga para tumagal ng isang buwan ang 3K na allowance, makahanap ng mga totoong kaibigan, huwag maging baduy manamit (walang uniform sa amin), tutruang magbasa ng libro (textbooks) ang sarili, matuto ng iba't-ibang tactics ng pangongopya, develop a network of friends from different colleges para may matakbuhan ka sa subjects mong expertise nila, tuklasin ang kakaibang gimik ng college students (ibang-iba sa college), huwag awayin ng bongga ang thesis-mates mo, magsulat at mag-analyze ng data para sa thesis ninyo kahit di mo na naiintindihan ang nakasulat, huwag sumuko sa laht ng pagsubok kahit feeling mo katapusan ng ng mundo (lalo na kung nakita mo na ang grades mo), at tuparin ang naantala kong misyon noong highschool: ang magka-lablayp (at nangyari naman).

Masaya naman ako sa mga pinagdaanan ko (di lang masyadong halata).

^___^

A Letter of a Teacher

To my students:

I never wanted to be a teacher ever since I knew what is the job description of a teacher. I was afraid that all the worst and not-so-good things I and my classmates have done to our teacher will also happen to me. 

It was 2008 that I realize I wanted to learn something and do something that I cannot pin point. Then I realized I wasn't happy with my course that time even though I don't have any problems with it. It wasn't really for me so I decided to try something I didn't even know what's in it for me. 

I was also like you, I also felt that I don't fit in my surroundings, I felt to be very uncertain of what I want to do with my life, I felt very insignificant to other people and to people who matters to me, I know the feeling of hopelessness, I felt very "bugo" "stupid" "idiot" that it led to to many failures, I know the feeling of being a loser, I know the feeling of being caged or no freedom, I felt neglected by the important people in my life, and I experienced tons of physical and emotional pain, can't-even-count-it failures, and unending problems of any variant.

Through the teachers, classmates, books, random people and time, I learned to be realistic. I learned to view situations and things with respect of what is the truth and reality because reality is constant but may differ. I am not a very optimistic person, but with that philosophy I learned to accept, understand, and respect things that I don't have any control over.

Live with it because it is your reality and truth, do not stop learning because if you will it is the time your soul and self dies, accept problems and struggles because it's part of your reality (you cannot escape it), learn how and when to hold on and let go on any things and situation, push yourself to grow wiser each day you overcome, it is okay be be confused and problematic from time to time but don't let it drown you and eat you alive, do not be afraid to explore and most importantly you must know and find yourself first to do what I have said above.

I am really happy that I can say that you, my students, have learned the things I wanted to learn when I was your age. I wanted you to face reality with confidence and say, "I can handle you because I know what are you and who I am".

If problems are really pulling you down, pull yourself together and carry on no matter what happens and whatever it takes for you to survive.

Salamat sa inyo kay sa mutu-o mo ug sa dili, naa koy nadiscover ug nakat-unan tungod sa inyoha. Daghan kug mga nakita na reyalidad nga lahi pa gyud sa akoa. (Thank you because believe it or not, I have discover and learned things through all of you. I've seen many realities that are different from mine.)

Proud kaayo ko sa inyuha, as in. Ug kabalo ko nga mas ma-proud pa gyud ko sa inyo sa sunod natong kita. Pero, timan-i nga dili sa tanang panahon dapat mupareha mo sa akoang gipangbuhat, kay lahi-lahi tag reyalidad sa kinabuhi. (I'm so proud of all of you, really. And I know I'll be more proud next time we see each other. But, remember that not all that time you do what I have done with my life because we have different realities in life.) 

Find yourself.

~Ma'am Novie, happily signing off (as your teacher) 

Where's the freakin' owner of this blog?

I also wonder where is she? I cannot find in me where was the girl who started this blog, I supposed she took a blog off vacation. Okay, I was really busy and psychologically preoccupied that I can't write my mind out and blabber anything sensible (just like now) and yes I am explaining and justifying my purposeful negligence of this blog. I'm sorry, self. 

I hope I can find myself. (~singing)

1st day of March: A Stranger was Born for Me

I cannot let this day pass without writing about a Stranger.

It's the nameday of the Stranger that I treasured the most. 
A stranger that dared to talked and smiled at me in my meanest days.
A stranger that accepted and endured my impossible attitude and weirdness.
A stranger that made me realized I can give love, faith and trust more than I believed I could.
A stranger that have been with me through the good and bad times. 
A stranger that have become my love, my best friend and my family. 

I couldn't thank you enough to the mother that gave birth to this stranger.

As far as I can remember, this stranger was named after a former USA President -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy. He is always proud of his first name, and I also think that his parents are really notable for they gave their son an awesome name. I really like his name actually and I know I wouldn't forget this Stranger's name in this lifetime. 

This stranger claimed that he saw me first in a public place while he was watching people randomly one afternoon. He said he found me interesting that day, and he found it amusing when he saw me again in the university where we graduated college. And then a cliche college love story unfolds though there's no poignant ending for it is still in progress.

He is logically a stranger to me because he's not part of my family legally, but figuratively he's a stranger that's more than a family to me. I am very lucky to found a stranger like him.

Greetings for your nameday, Stranger....

and I love you.

Fitzgerald